Fibromyalgia brain!!!!!!! Every now and then, I’m not just dealing with pain. Sometimes, my brain just stops working- like there is a cloud in my brain. I can’t talk or breathe right and noise (Oy! I’m a music teacher!) makes me crazy. Yoga says breathe and body says can’t. I can’t demonstrate properly on the clarinet and I have to apologize to my kiddos for being cranky. It makes me think I don’t like teaching. I’m writing this here with you as my witness. The TRUTH is that I love teaching, I am human and humans get cranky.
Deepest Teacher Fear #1: I will take out my own discomfort and pain on a student the way my teacher took out his suffering on me.
I try to stay honest with my kids, but even an apology can’t completely undo a harsh word. Kids with anxiety troubles and emotional struggles and ADD and ADHD and everything else are already challenging to teach with kindness and patience all the time because the job is demanding and we are on a deadline. Oh, but I try! Then you add in the fact that on some days breathing hurts, sitting in a chair hurts, my throat muscles spasm and I can’t talk without pain, I try to play my clarinet and my numb fingers won’t move. Then I get so overwhelmed, so absorbed in just surviving the day. I get cranky and usually with the kids who need unconditional love the absolute most.
My mom used to pray that God would be my mom where she failed. I pray the same as a teacher. Lord, be my students’ teacher where I fail and cover up my failings with your grace.
Blog friends, pray that I will have strength to love deeply and teach with a full heart this year even when it hurts to breathe.
I need prayer and I need forgiveness and I need a team backing me. This is truth.
Today was rough and breathing hurts.
To yoga and to bed.