Well, y’all, I’m officially a CYT-200! I finished my Certified Yoga Teacher training 2 weeks ago and… yep. I’m back to waiting again. Gosh, I have no idea what my life is going to look like in the future. All my best laid plans have totally not been God’s. And ohhhh am I wrestling with Him. How long have I had TMJD and all that stuff? Since my freshman year of college and I’m 25 now, so 6 years. I haven’t played my clarinet since February. I have NO idea where my professional life will go… if I will be able to play again someday, if I can build my studio into something more sustainable. If I will teach yoga at a studio. If I will buy a house. If Ty’s studio will continue to grow. If one of his recording projects will be a hit. If, if, if, if. I’m SO tired of being in limbo!
I’m not, though… in limbo, that is. My heart knows it, too. Even though I have all these unanswered questions, even though we live from a place of lack (don’t we all?!), even though I want to KNOW what I’m going to be doing FOR REAL with my life… I guess, I’m already doing my for real life.
In the She Reads Truth Ruth study, the author writes, “His provision is normally not even the most exciting part of the story.” Y’all, this is good news for my hungry soul. I’m absolutely LONGING for some excitement over here. Life is so much the same thing over and over in and out all the time. And I keep thinking, “Ok. We’ll buy a house and I’ll be filled with excitement. We’ll have a kid and I’ll be filled with excitement. I’ll get some full on, real life yoga clients and I’ll be filled with excitement. Ty’s projects will take off like crazy and I’ll be filled with excitement.” So, um, the grass is always greener much? At least I can *see* my own patterns now. At least he doesn’t leave me to my own discontent devices as I keep trying to force my life into something that makes me feel accepted and important and enviable. Isn’t a place of humility a more beautiful place to be anyway? Jesus, I want to stop wrestling you now. I want to stop, stop, stop. I want to be still in the comfort and beauty of your simple and miraculous provision. I want to actually remember what you tell me about my littlest tasks being guided by you and used for the glory of your kingdom. What could possibly be more exciting than being a daughter of the One True King, living in the middle of a full on war for truth, waiting for Him to return and vanquish His enemies once and for all, being faithful and loyal to him in the face of adversity? It really, really sounds like an Epic. Doesn’t it? It’s our life and it’s MORE REAL than anything we see and touch.
Awkward segue alert. I’m OBSESSED with Harry Potter. (Why yes, I am a 25 year old married woman and business owner with a college degree and further certification. Why do you ask?) Completely obsessed right now. I cannot get enough of this beautiful story. It’s like the way I have felt about the Chronicles of Narnia in the past… and to some extent, The Lord of the Rings. (Ty wants me to lay down Harry Potter and get with LOTR… It would be seriously more adult of me, wouldn’t it?) This crazy, epic, heroic story of good versus evil where the smallest, most unlikely person has to be the bravest and most sacrificial. Has to face evil with more courage than even the wisest and strongest around him can. The small things of the world become the strongest forces and Love is the only truth that can conquer all. J.K. Rowling didn’t mean for the gospel to end up in her books. I know she didn’t. But- and this is why I LOVE ART- it did. Just like playing Symphony Fantastique and knowing the back story and yet HEARING JESUS WIN. Just like the way Maslanka writes the most MAJESTIC pieces of wind ensemble literature and does so completely apart from Jesus and I DARE YOU to listen to his music and tell me it has not been redeemed by Jesus to preach the gospel. Y’all, they don’t mean to be, but they are vessels because we are all created in the image of a Creator and his TRUTH is SO POWERFUL it breaks through the most selfish hearts and the darkest places and He tells His story no matter what. I want to be part of a story that big. I want to have a place in an Epic. And when I am in pain and teaching clarinet lessons over and over and over and over and over again and doing dishes and sweeping dog hair and just doing everyday life, it starts to feel like life is small.
But it is NOT. He orders the smallest parts of life. He places us exactly where we need to be to do the tasks that will lead to His fame. And though we do not understand and sometimes get really angry that He would ask so much or so (seemingly) little of us, His plan is HUGE and we actually get to play a part. I actually get to be a warrior in His army.
There is a reason why I LOVE practicing my Warrior poses and want to master my Hero pose. It’s because I want to be a warrior and a hero and when I practice those powerful poses, I feel like he really is “training my hands for battle.”
So, here, right here, in this waiting and building time, I’m going to raise my Ebenezer. I used to hate that word because of Scrooge. Haha… But then I found out that “ezer” is the word used to describe God as our MIGHTY helper AND the word God uses to describe what Eve will be. A powerful helper. Eve, woman, created in the image of God our “ezer.” Strong and brave. Eben is “stone” -as in “an altar to the remembrance of God our Helper.”
All this epic dreaming is the hand of God on my life and I’m not really just waiting… I’m still fighting. He’ll show me where and when to move.