legs-up-the-wall and jesus speaking

I am NOT a meditator and I am not a very focused pray-er. My brain does somersaults and cartwheels and starts singing random songs (mary had a little lamb little lamb little lamb jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way oh what fun I’ll be hoooooome for Christmas youuuuuuuu can couunnnntttt on meeeeee!!!!!) (being a music teacher is grand) and I cannot focus for any length of time without a musical number interruption. Lately, I’ve been sticking to my guns about my yoga practice, mostly because my doctor has been booked up during my available times and I absolutely know that no legs-up-the-wall tonight means no sitting in a chair without gnashing of teeth tomorrow. So I have been doing this thing every day. It isn’t long and it isn’t impressive- it just is what my spine (and my heart ) needs from day to day. I’ve been trying hard (my TCM doctor would say, “stop trying. just do.”) to set my intention on Jesus. Sometimes I can focus for real and I can really slow down and hear him speak. This is growth for me because I am a really good talker and not so good on the listening front. Want to know what he said to me the other day while my legs were in the air? 

“I know your desires better than you do. I know what you really, deeply want. What you think you want is not really what you want. I know this because I made your heart with all of its desires in place. Katie, I know you. I will give you the true desires of your true heart as I know it and made it to be.” 

So when I turn off the broadway show in my head and stop the mental twirling, I can hear him and what he says is good. I believe him and I’m writing it here so I can come back and read it when I forget. Thanks for yoga, Jesus. Thanks for knowing my heart and giving good things. Thanks for giving hard things that make me break enough to stop and listen because I’m desperate and I need you. 

 

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I have been meaning to start a new blog for a long time but I never actually do it because I am terrified that it will end up being a complete waste of time and that I will end up letting it just sit there taking up a cute domain name that somebody else who might actually, well, update her blog will cry over because I took it first. And because I always, always use run-on sentences in blog posts. Oh well.

I have been thinking about several little personality flaws of mine that all really come back to one obnoxious problem. I am TOTALLY competitive and COMPLETELY judgmental. (This blog is about speaking truth, right?) For example, today I went to the grocery store to get stuff to make tacos for a dinner party. I got in my car and pulled out of the driveway and got annoyed at like every car driver around me. I am so mean (inside my head) to other drivers when they, you know, heaven forbid, drive on the same road as me. This taxi driver didn’t pull up to a red light quickly enough (not like we can go any further any faster anyway) and I start thinking, “Wow he’s slow. How can he possssssibly drive for a living. Gee what an annoying driver.KJWBFL.jbgjbWG.KJAMS VMNK;AFNW;GOKNA.Mjkaebg.” Then I go into the grocery store and do my shopping and get inwardly mad at the VERY first people to walk by me because they were walking too slowly. (Why in the world am I in such a hurry anyway? Yoga-time for Katie. Can I get an “Amen!” ??) Thennnn I finish my shopping and stand in line to check out. You know what I did? I started thinking about how I didn’t like the outfits the people in front of me were wearing. Dude, hang on a sec. I am one to talk. My style is totally quirky and weird and I bet people judge my fashion choices every day. Then, I think, “Hey, I really like the check-out chick’s tattoo. I’m going to be nice and tell her.” So I tell her. She doesn’t really respond and I start judging myself with a bunch of, “You are sooo socially awkward. Why did you think you could just tell her her tattoo is pretty. OF COURSE SHE KNOWS IT IS SHE HAD IT PERMANENTLY INKED INTO HER SKIN, YOU MORON.” Ok. If that is one grocery store trip, I am a piece of work. Oh, by the way, the tattoo chick ended up being really nice. We finally broke the ice when she asked for my birthdate and saw that we are birth year buddies. Now we’re cool.

Anyway, here’s another annoying thing about me. I get my feelings so hurt whenever anybody criticizes me or even disagrees with a decision I made. I want to be liked and I want to have everyone say nice things to me all the time and only nice things ever. But my hypocritical self is so mean to everyone… including me. I have to be the best and so I put other people down to lift myself up and when I see my own flaws so flagrantly out there for the world and me to see in neon lights, I put myself down for good measure. I am so competitive. Is it my music performance training or is it deeper? Well, how about both.

Now you probably think I’m so mean and you never want to meet me and why is her blog all girly if she’s a jerk. I really just told you all of these things to make sense of what I hope to accomplish through this blog. I really want the way I think to change. I know that my heart is where the change has to happen, so if I can speak loving truth from my heart, I will hopefully start to see my mind be renewed and lovely things will come out more often than not. Grace, man. It’s what I need always.

Anyway, this has been my heart lately: to speak beautiful truth into my life and the lives of others in word and action. To pray constantly and to live fully and to see what God might do with my hopes and dreams.

Love,

Katie